I am in a plight. I can not form words from my pad of common symbols, as a solitary button is stuck. It consists of a popular icon from our ABCs. I could show you what symbol it is, but I can’t. So allow moi (that’s français for you know who) to act brilliant. 

A pronunciation of said syllabary is an Umlaut: 

ï 

I put it as big as I could so that you could distinguish it. I know that many humans do not know what that sounds similar to. I wish I could say which icon I am missing, and plainly, but I cannot mash that button. It is stuck. 

I guss I could still mak words, dspit not bing abl to us th lttr that I am attmpting to typ, xcpt that I dsir to mak it asy for you to intrprt. So I am going to go back to my brilliant modification of typing. 

Oh, I was just struck with a brilliant plan! I will assign a distinct symbol to this old symbol, so that you know which symbol I am talking about. 

Stand-in Symbol: &

Now, I can typ& as if I w&r& on a r&gular k&yboard! Wow! This s&&ms lik& it has an &ff&ctiv&n&ss to it! This is so cl&v&r! Agh, who am I kidding? This is so w&ird and compl&x. So confusing! Grrr. I d&&ply apologiz&. I shall go back to my old way of typing.

I must say that I am sorry. It looks as if this block of symbols that I am using to consign this information is not running smoothly. A fallacy this is. I shall now smash all buttons until it works.

Ioind9adf nyrt

     Li arilacwcf[k p

   I hoigjacprjo wprcf

              LIRI CAIOPXEOI       sci fxINWEC WXIO

SkbEuhvcfu.   Eiasdh xi cnqr gor9f34q8x 

Wait . . . I bliv I just usd that lttr! Aha! It must only work as a capital lEttEr! 

THEREFORE I WILL NOW CEREMONIOUSLY RESIGN THIS LETTER.

EARNESTLY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY,

Colin Shuran
Rportr / Writr
Th Nw York Tims